What is Compassionate Communication?

Compassionate Communication is a powerful way to be in the world. These practical tools strengthen our ability to communicate with kindness, compassion and understanding rather than blame, shame, and judgment. Also known as Nonviolent Communication or NVC, this process helps us to remember our humanness – that underneath our feelings, opinions and differences we all have the same needs, values, hopes and dreams.

The objective of Nonviolent Communication is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way; it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy which will fulfill everyone's needs.

Marshall Rosenberg

When we can hold our attention on our common humanity, we are more likely to be able to dialogue with one another in a way that leads to mutual respect and understanding. We are more likely to cooperate with one another from a place of choice and joy, rather than guilt or obligation.

Instead of playing the game of "Who's right", NVC invites us to create a quality of connection with ourselves and others that honors our respective feelings and needs. Holding the intention of creating understanding and connection is supported by two key skill sets: Honest Expression and Empathic listening.

Honest Expression — speaking your truth without blame or judgment

Many arguments and misunderstandings arise out of "waging words" that are easily heard as criticism and block our natural desire to contribute to one another. To optimize our chances of being heard and understood NVC invites us to hone our skills in the following 4 areas:


On the surface this 4-step process appears simple. However, replacing old habits of speech with new skills takes mindfulness and practice. The first six chapters of Marshal Rosenberg's book is devoted to identifying habits that block effective communication vs. those that facilitate a flow of understanding.

Empathic Listening — emptying the mind, listening with our whole being

"When ... someone really hears you without passing judgment, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels darn good... When I have been listened to and when I have been heard, I am able to reperceive my world in a new way and go on."

Carl Rogers

Just as certain language habits can block communication, there are also listening/reacting patterns that get in the way of understanding one another. Defending our views, fixing, advising, storytelling, or simply discounting another's feelings are all examples of habits that get in the way of us trully being WITH another person's reality.

To facilitate understanding and connection we again focus our intention and attention on the other person's humanness — their feelings and needs. When we can listen to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking we are less likely to react, become defensive or take things personal. We stay centered in compassion and understanding by hearing their message in terms of the same four elements:

Empathic listening is both an art and a skill that takes practice. We never assume we know what another person is thinking or feeling. With these language tools we indicate we are wanting to understand by guessing what the person might be feeling and needing.

The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence... Listening is a very deep practice ... you must empty yourself. You have to leave space in order to listen... Especially to people we think are our enemies; the ones we believe are making our situation worse. When you show your capacity for listening and understanding, the other person will begin to listen to you, and you will have a chance to tell him or her your pain ... this is the practice of peace.

Thich Nhat Hanh

Sometimes, in situations involving emotional intensity, we may offer the power of silent empathy. Offering the gift of our compassionate presence can be very powerful and healing.

NVC is a way of communicating that leads us to give from the Heart

Through empathic listening and honest expression we engage in an ongoing exchange that leads to a flow of understanding and connection developing.

From this place of understanding, each person experiences a greater willingness to consider solutions that will better meet everyone's needs without compromise, guilt or obligation. Marshall Rosenberg refers to this as Natural giving, contributing to another's well being from a place of joy and understanding.